Clean for Christmas – Almost

In September 2013 I was seeing a pain doctor who I believe was doing his best with me, despite knowing I was heavily addicted to the medications he was prescribing. or rather, the medications his physicians assistant was prescribing me. A cocktail of 120mg of oxycodone, 60mg of OxyContin and an unknown amount of the antidepressant Ativan.

I was told to use the Ativan only when an emergency happened. “You get a paper cut, don’t use it. Car wreck? You can use it”. Those were the PA’s words telling me how and when to use the Ativan. Sadly, I ignored all advice. All I cared about was not feeling the pain I was suffering from death in the family, financial ruin and many other horrible life experiences.

By end of October 2013 I was struggling not only with taking too much oxycodone, but now Ativan had its grip on me. In case you don’t know, benzo’s are horrible drugs when you’re addicted to them. Especially when you want to stop taking them.

By end of the month I had taken too many Ativan and ran out 5 days early. I called and begged for a refill, but the PA was determined to teach me a lesson. Boy did she. The withdrawals from Ativan were worse than opioid withdrawals. I was manic. I felt insane. I could not function normally even for a minute. Two days of hell and I finally gave up. I called an inpatient treatment center and asked for a bed. They got me in two days later, which meant I suffered almost 5 days of benzo withdrawal. I had no idea at the time, but people die from abruptly stopping a benzo like Ativan. Now, I can see why. It messes with your mind, your heart, your breathing and most everything else you can imagine. Utter hell.

“I actually felt worse at inpatient treatment than I did at home taking my damn pills”

I went into treatment on November 1, 2013 assuming that by Thanksgiving I’d be cured. Nothing could be further from the truth. I suffered 13 days and nights of opioid withdrawal, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t function, and actually felt worse at inpatient treatment than I did at home taking my damn pills.

In December 2013 I stayed clean for about 3 weeks. I can tell you it was the worst Christmas ever. I simply didn’t care about anything. I just wanted relief and could think of nothing else. Those were the worst three weeks of my life and my family’s life. I was f’ing miserable. Felt like I’d been hit by a truck. No energy, no motivation, no “want to” and in a lot of pain. I missed my pills, badly.

Like any addict, I decided to go back to my pain doctor and start up the Oxycodone train again. After all, anything was better than feeling what I felt that Christmas. And, I mean anything…

I got some pills from my pain doctor, but nothing like the dosage I had gotten before. They told me the laws had changed, and since I had gone to treatment they couldn’t give me anything close to what they were giving me previously. Now, I was in the very worst place in my life. I can’t get clean, I can’t get enough pills and I can barely function. Life sucked and I was ready to put an end to it.

Life stayed that way for about two weeks. Miserable. Not enough pills. Feeling like a horrible failure that I went to treatment and could not stay clean. In pain mentally and physically.

In early January 2014 as a last resort I decided to call a Suboxone clinic. On January 8, 2019 I stepped into a clinic ready to try one last thing before ending my life. If Suboxone didn’t work then I was ready to call it quits. “F’-it! Life sucked and I was done.

January 9, 2014 – I will never forget that day for as long as I live. It was the day that completely changed my life and turned me from a 13-year addict back into a human being.

I visited with the Suboxone doctor and therapist and got my first prescription. I went to the pharmacy and waited for it since I was again out of pills and in complete opioid withdrawal. I put my first Suboxone tablet under my tongue and went to get something to eat for lunch.

I will never forget the feelings I got from the Suboxone while eating lunch.

I suddenly noticed I was no longer in withdrawal. My shivers stopped. I no longer craved pills. My appetite came back. My mood shifted into a positive one. I was suddenly in a very good mood and felt something that had been missing for 13 years – Hope.

What changed? Suboxone, that’s what.

Suboxone changed my life within 20 minutes of my very first dose. I haven’t touched a drug (or alcohol) since. Suboxone allowed me to function like a normal human being without getting high, without taking pills, without withdrawals, without cravings and it restored my drive. Basically, Suboxone made me feel like I did before taking my first opioid pill. Suboxone was my miracle, and it has kept me clean since January 9, 2014.

I took my time tapering off Suboxone. I was in no hurry to mess up my life again. Life got good quickly being clean on Suboxone. No more chasing pills. No more wasting money. No more lying to the family about my habit. I didn’t take any chances – I did exactly as the clinic told me to do. I came every month on time for my appointments, I spent time with the therapists and I took my Suboxone just like they told me to.

So yes, Christmas sucked in 2013. But, it did become the catalyst that eventually helped me get clean. I was either going to get better or I was going to die one way or another.

Suboxone Made My Life Great Again
Every Christmas since 2013 has been a fantastic. I can be present, caring, attentive, because I’m normal again. Suboxone is the best thing I ever did for myself. I’ve been clean almost 6 years thanks to Suboxone and I have no doubt I’d be dead without it.

I’ve seen countless other’s change their life with Suboxone just like I have. If you do what your doctor tells you to, then you’re going to get better – quick.

Anything that can turn a hopeless, 13-year addict into a happy, productive father, husband and member of society is a miracle in my book.

If you or someone you know suffers from the disease of addiction – Stop right now. Call a Suboxone clinic and put an end to your addiction. You don’t have to live this way. Quitting opioids and/or heroin is pretty painless with Suboxone.

Hell, what do you have to lose? You know what life is like addicted, right? Why not try something new and start feeling good again?

Leave a Comment